Mass Delusions

Another month nearly over and we are no further ahead then befor. Things seem to spiral out of control most times here and no one seems to understand why, but yet they do nothing to stop it or even prevent it.

My trend with friends seem to be carring over out here. Make a good friend and then you or them change jobs and then there seems to be no more, guess I am one of those destined to only have my family close. Either that or I am just losing my mind which could be.

My Lupus seems to be running me and not the other way around. I thought things were controled but it appears things that can not be seen are what is effecting me the most. The pain is begining to drive me insane. The constant ache all over is the worst, nothing seems to help. I dont want to have to depend on pain meds but it looks like I might have to ask for something with my new doctor as soon as I get the appt. set.

I want to get back to my writting but I just can not seem to pin my mind down long enough to get anything down on paper or even in the computer here. I am ready to give up but not just to that level yet. i can not concentrate or think straight half of the time anymore. Maybe it is just more effects from my lupus yet another thing to check with the doctor for.

Mass Confussion

Some never seem to understand that you are just trying to help. Trying to send them in the right direction. So we just push and push, but they don't budge. They still follow the path that will lead them in to trouble. Why can they not see that you are just trying to keep them from Doing what you did, and that you know it will bring them to no good.

Like my oldest wanting to connect with a father that never caredabout her or her sister. She does not seem to realize I am just trying to stop her from feeling the pain I know it will cause. For a father to turn away from his children at suc a young age is the most disgusting thing in the world. To want to sign over custidy just so you don't owe child support is just Pathetic, and that is what my ex offered!!!!

Yet here is my oldest wanting to chose her low life father over a mother who has been there every freaking minute of her life. To me it makes no sense. I never did this to my dad, why is she doing it to me???

Yes I know I push her, but you have to push a teenager to get them to do anything. So that they can understand why they have to do certian things so that they can survive in the cruel world we live in. I believe we are here to help our kids but they must test us everyday just to try the bonds that we make for them.

I just want my girls to have it better then I have had it. I don't want them to have to live paycheck to paycheck. I want them to be able to live their lives to the fullest. To be able to have everything they want. Not having to scrimp and save for every damned penny.