Mass Delusions

Another month nearly over and we are no further ahead then befor. Things seem to spiral out of control most times here and no one seems to understand why, but yet they do nothing to stop it or even prevent it.

My trend with friends seem to be carring over out here. Make a good friend and then you or them change jobs and then there seems to be no more, guess I am one of those destined to only have my family close. Either that or I am just losing my mind which could be.

My Lupus seems to be running me and not the other way around. I thought things were controled but it appears things that can not be seen are what is effecting me the most. The pain is begining to drive me insane. The constant ache all over is the worst, nothing seems to help. I dont want to have to depend on pain meds but it looks like I might have to ask for something with my new doctor as soon as I get the appt. set.

I want to get back to my writting but I just can not seem to pin my mind down long enough to get anything down on paper or even in the computer here. I am ready to give up but not just to that level yet. i can not concentrate or think straight half of the time anymore. Maybe it is just more effects from my lupus yet another thing to check with the doctor for.

Mass Confussion

Some never seem to understand that you are just trying to help. Trying to send them in the right direction. So we just push and push, but they don't budge. They still follow the path that will lead them in to trouble. Why can they not see that you are just trying to keep them from Doing what you did, and that you know it will bring them to no good.

Like my oldest wanting to connect with a father that never caredabout her or her sister. She does not seem to realize I am just trying to stop her from feeling the pain I know it will cause. For a father to turn away from his children at suc a young age is the most disgusting thing in the world. To want to sign over custidy just so you don't owe child support is just Pathetic, and that is what my ex offered!!!!

Yet here is my oldest wanting to chose her low life father over a mother who has been there every freaking minute of her life. To me it makes no sense. I never did this to my dad, why is she doing it to me???

Yes I know I push her, but you have to push a teenager to get them to do anything. So that they can understand why they have to do certian things so that they can survive in the cruel world we live in. I believe we are here to help our kids but they must test us everyday just to try the bonds that we make for them.

I just want my girls to have it better then I have had it. I don't want them to have to live paycheck to paycheck. I want them to be able to live their lives to the fullest. To be able to have everything they want. Not having to scrimp and save for every damned penny.

Not Good Enough

Well Here we have it, almost a year since my last update on here. I knew that it was going to be hard out here, but hard is not even close to what reality is out here. My husband lost his job and was home for over three months looking before he was able to find another one. I personally think that is just insane with someone of his skill and drive, but that is the world we live in today. There are so many people out there that need and want to work yet these big companies refuse to hire because their bottom line doesn't look like they want it to.

Then you have people like me who put everything they have into their job and pride theirself on doing their best every damn time they do anything. You know the old saying about having to give 110%, well I got told that giving 110% was not good enough anymore. How can anyone ask you to give anymore I already spend more time at work for my miniscull pay then I do at home. All I have time to do is go to work and come home to sleep. What kind of a life is that? Seriously what do these people want. I come to work sick, in pain but yet I do my job and then some.

So with that said what do I do. my boss gave me 45days to improve. I told him that was a slap in the face honestly. I do more then any other manager I work there with. I am never late, I don't call in sick. I am there almost 30 minutes early every freaking shift. I take orders, buss tables, expidite the food, stock whats needed, try to make all the guest happy, and that is just in the rest. I also go to the outlets like we are supposed to. I have spent so much time at the outlets lately my main staff thinks I have forgot about them. I am the only manager that goes up and gives a stupid potty break every damn day for the same girl. Come on I don't see my boss doing that. I spend so much time up in the towers cleaning the floors, and running to the other property to get money for the cashiers and the attendents, I don't know whether I am a damned goofer or a manager.

Why Try

Guess when you finally think things are going good, boom everything goes haywire. My oldest is pregnant and refuses to give it up. My middle daughter doesn't want to live with me. She would rather live with munner and go back to a guy that probally cares less about her then stay with me the mom that loves here.
Here I think I am doing a good job but I guess I must be the worse mom in the world because neither of them want to be with me. Why shpuld I care then let them do what they want. I could think of it this way I won't have to pay the extra for insurance and all the other crap that I do now. That's thirty less a month for lunches and all the other money they want on a daily basis. Why should I care if they don't want to be with me. My sister has told me this before and I just didn't listen. I brought my girls out here to vegas to give us a new start, but that didn't work and they don't want to let us really try. What more can I do? My sister has told me that I am a bad mom, I guess they are proving her right. One gets pregnate to leave the other would rather leave for a guy. Guess I really did a crappy job from the start. Should have left them with their father I guess and they could have lived in the woods with no power no vehicle no food. What should I care they don't care about me and everything I have given up for them in my life. Let them find out how hard it is on their own. Find out how little money they do not have when they want something. How many hours they have to work to even be able to pay bills to keep a roof over their head.
I don't get it, why should I fight it let them go where they want I guess. Let them learn the hard way. The same way I had to. Just hope the guys don't turn out to be jerks like their father is and was, and always will be. I give up fighting, there is nothing left to fight for I guess. Just hope they make it out alive with their decision.

Rambling

Ok well it's time. my truck is ready to go. So we have found a 2006 Dodge Ram 1500 quad cab and the bank is willing to give us the loan. So if it looks good in the morning I might have a new vehicle by the weekend. Which in my book would be great. I worry things ar just going down hill to fast with it, and hings might not be safe for much longer.

Now as for work it sucks. I am getting burried under a mound of paper work. Which meas I will never get out on the floor. Which I was originally hired for, but guess what? That is what I get for believing what I am told. Should have stuck with my old ways and never taken anything one face value. So now I am stuck with a delima do I give them more time to do what they said to start with or do I make a move which will be better for me in the long run.

I am working 10 plus hours a day five days a weekwhich is to much. No one shold have to work like that. I do the job of two ppl and get paid the amount of one. To me that math just does not add up!!!!!! Need to work on my math and see what I can do about that!!!!

AWOL

Ok, I know I have been MIA on keeping up lately, but lots of things have been going on. My job still bites the big one. I am still doing way to much for way to little pay. I now have a schedule and vactions along with everything else I was already doing. Then add meetings every friday it's just to much. I have not had a chance to get to payroll the last two Fridays,(ok so I stayed till nine thirty last friday 12 1/2 hour day) sorry already working 5 tens not going to pull 12's and not get anywhere.

The more that gets piled on me the more I do to keep up. I need to just say no I can't, but that is not my personality. I will keep pushing myself until I loss it. The last tw ppl before me did not have to do half of the stuff I am doing and I know this first hand, and to top it off they both had full training where I was lucky to get maybe 15hours on the three days I got.

I am wasting what I know to do sitting behind a desk. This is not what I have been learning since I was 13 I was not killing myself in all those kitchen and resturants to sit behind a freaking desk. I know some would say shut up and quit complaining atleast you have a job. It is not what I applied for and not what I do. So why should I settle for something I don't want.

I was raised to reach for my goals and fight to get there because i would make it better in the long run..

I know if I do not put my foot down and do something he will keep pilling more crap on me to keep me stuck where I am and that is not what will make me happy.

I am a ppl person not omeone that is willing to sit idly behind a desk. Sorry but I can not buy in to that insanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unsure/ Rants/ Questions/ Lies

Okay things never make sense anymore. Just when you think you might be figuring things out someone throws you a crurve ball. Making me nothing more then a freakins AA agian (company term for a secratry) Then I get told I don't show want to be a floor manager. Give me a break how does getting hire being told Iwould be 3/4on the floor and 1/4 in the office say I don't want to be o the floor. I have 15 plus years managment experience. Each of those years I have run a shift a crew or an entire rest. by myself. Yet here tha does not seem good enough for their standards. Nor the fact that I have always keep labor low and made my bonuses every quater when i was a kitchen manager. Or the fact that I have been a corprut trainner for one of the biggest rest. in the U.S. I just do not know what it takes. Ppl with little to no experience get put on the floor right away and yet here I sit shuffling papers for yet another day.

Yes I know I might sound like a broken record ut I do not feel I should hae to stay extra past the ten hours I am already workin on a daily basis to prove I want to be on the floor. Sorry but I feel my work history should show I know what I am doing and Should be given a chance on my marit instead of being lied to over and over agian.

It was sugested to me I should just smile and nood my head and agree to everything told to me. Sit and waste time bull shitting when there are things to be done. So that they know I want to be one he floor. Or even to walk around with them on my time (this is after my ten hours I have already put in) I am already giving this job more hours then it s worth, If someone could give me a vqalid reason why I should waste more time to brown nose to get where I should be maybe I would but wasting my life behind a desk is not for me. I am customer safe (if you want tosay it that way) and know what I am talkin about, but yet no one wants to get out of the way so I can do what I should be doing.

Is it because I do the job I have better then I should. Maybe I should sit and not put in the hours and let the discrepeancys to pile where the next person has to deal with ones from over a year before. Or to find out that things where never done right half the time and you are cleaning up others messes. Or to hear how others talk about the staff and to decide you have no respect for anone you work with because of they way they treat everyone else.

Let alone finding out how they talk about you when you are not there.How they belittle you and saying you are nothing but a lowly secretary with no worth other than findng a file or placing an order, hell even making phone call just to say that he wanted to talk to them. Sorry I can not work in a dept. that think little of someone because they know how to work and have respect for everyone until the lose that themselve.

I just want to like my job not dread everyday knowing I have to go because my family needs the paycheck coming in. I want the joy I had when I was just bartending instead of being a second class person now.